Mixed feelings

Lately I’ve been having mixed feelings as to what I want and what is best; and at the same time what is best for the other person.

Trying to judge a situation objectively, when it comes to something that touches you so deeply, might be the hardest thing you do in your life.

Take for example a friend of mine, who’s having her dog put down to rest:

B’s dog Shmushy has been with her for many years now, nearly 14, and she is old, getting sick and tired continuously; in this case the most humane thing to do is to let the poor soul get its rest without suffering through the pains of old age. Some might find this practice stressful, others find it natural: it’s a way of proving the humanity of a person and the trust that animal has in that person.

I’m not saying it’s hard to do; on the contrary, it might be a really hard thing, especially considering the fact that by doing that you’re removing the animal’s free will and imposing your own for what you believe is a better alternative.

But here’s a tougher situation, a situation I’ve been put in since the beginning of this new year, that has been making me feel miserable from the ideas going through my mind. I have to say I disgust myself sometimes when those images cross my mind, but when trying to think of them in a logical, humane, and natural way; it suddenly makes sense… then there goes the repetition of the cycle of self disgust once again.

A relative in the hospital, a relative you love, a person you can’t imagine the world without, a person you need in your life. How do you measure your humanity, what is right to do, and what you can’t accept as fact?

Two days ago a series of mixed feelings have been making me feel nauseous to the point of not being able to go into the hospital, instead spending hours sitting downstairs, on the curb, rocking and waiting: who am I to decide what is best?

But think of it this way, the way I rationalized my feelings: my grandmother is currently 83 years old, still young if you ask me but has lived a full life, in the presence of her children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren; her husband passed away nearly 20 years ago; around 4 years ago she started developing dementia, which has taken a toll on our lives and hers, making her feel uneasy whenever she would notice her memory losses; but lately, the only two names she would respond to were mommy and teta (grandma’).

In the case of memory, and recognition, all she has left is a disconnection from reality that has been increasing a lot, where a touch on the hand might send her mixed emotions of relaxation as well as paranoia.

On the other hand she’s currently plugged to an oxygen machine, due to extreme low levels of oxygen in her system, an infected lung that has collapsed, and another so torn by years of smoking that can’t work through by itself to suffice her body with enough oxygen to keep her body at ease.

Now for the past 3 days she’s been in what doctors name a “deep sleep”; it’s basically a coma-like sleep where the person is unresponsive to touch or words, but still has the basic instinct of moving slightly during their sleep, yet not responding to anything. Though a test of pinching her hand made her scream ouch, no other response was recorded.

So I’ve done some research, and to say honestly it scared the hell out of me. But the closest explanation I found to what she might be going through is a state of Hypersomnia (and hopefully not close to the Locked-In Syndrome), to read more about these states here is the link.

So where does my mixed feelings and dilemma come in? easy. Do I really want her to wake up, and suffer the injuries she will have to live with for the rest of her life, mainly being having to stick to machines for survival, or do I wish her to get her rest, without suffering any longer; which will also mean that I will forever loose her.

I’m sorry for the rambling of ideas, but I couldn’t find any better way to express this state, where being a main actor in the play might influence the ending of the scene. Should I feel guilty of these mixed feelings or is it a natural chain of thought that passes through everyone and anyone? I’m not sure, but I hope it won’t drive me crazy.

T.

Building… down!

Now as most of you know, lebanon had this non stop habit of tearing down all buildings pre-war (in talking about the civil war here) to make more livable complexes to rent out for crazy prices.

Unfortunately it means tearing down our country’s heritage, but hey, Lebanese always go for money before beauty. So here you have it!

Building… down!

Now the funny part about this post, as most of you might have noticed while walking through the streets of beirut, most buildings are stuck together, to avoid lost space (aka build as much as possible).

So not too long ago, an old rosary style building was torn down in the down town area of beirut.
Sad but true, but still non the less makes it hilarious from the mark it left.

Any comments?
I simply found it hilarious, and I have to mention, karma can be quite hilarious sometimes 😉

T.

Happy new year!

You know how we all always wish for the best on New Year’s eve. We prepare lists of things to do and not to do. We come up with plans. We hope for the best.

Unfortunately it is sometimes not the case. In that case all you can do is keep your head high and push your luck to its limits, hope for a miracle and keep going.

Good luck to all Lebanese in Lebanon.

T.

Who’s a Martyr?

If you look through Wikipedia, you find an interesting explanation to the word that has taken over most of our lives in Lebanon:

“In its original meaning, the word martyr, meaning witness, was used in the secular sphere as well as in the New Testament of the Bible.^[1] The process of bearing witness was not intended to lead to the death of the witness, although it is known from ancient writers (e.g. Josephus) and from the New Testament that witnesses often died for their testimonies.

During the early Christian centuries, the term acquired the extended meaning of a believer who is called to witness for their religious belief, and on account of this witness, endures suffering and/or death. The term, in this later sense, entered the English language as a loanword. The death of a martyr or the value attributed to it is called martyrdom.

The early Christians who first began to use the term martyr in its new sense saw Jesus as the first and greatest martyr, on account of his crucifixion.^[2][3][4] The early Christians appear to have seen Jesus as the archetypal martyr.^[5]

The word martyr is used in English to describe a wide variety of people. However, the following table presents a general outline of common features present in stereotypical martyrdoms.

Common features of stereotypical martyrdoms^[6]

1.	A hero	A person of some renown who is devoted to a cause believed to be admirable.
2.	Opposition	People who oppose that cause.
3.	Foreseeable risk	The hero foresees action by opponents to harm him or her, because of his or her commitment to the cause.
4.	Courage and Commitment	The hero continues, despite knowing the risk, out of commitment to the cause.
5.	Death	The opponents kill the hero because of his or her commitment to the cause.
6.	Audience response	The hero’s death is commemorated. People may label the hero explicitly as a martyr. Other people may in turn be inspired to pursue the same cause.

Click here for more information. Being a Martyr in Lebanon has a whole different meaning though, it means dead in vain, it’s those that had different views, those that tried to free themselves from bribings, those poor souls that were around these free thinkers. it’s those who lost their lives before their time in drastic turn of events, bombings, gun shots, and random killings.

But I read this interesting post from joestencents where he depicts the lives of the Lebanese in the midst of wars, bomb explosions, and fighting. I fully agree with most of what is written in the post, except a few points that I believe are harder to deal with, or even explain.

In the part “With an opposition with the memory of a goldfish, that feels no implication when their own people are murdered, that continues business as usual when an explosive shakes the city, why would you feel the least bit of resistance? No one is asking you to lock yourself home and cry in your bedroom. But when your people are being bombed, murdered, dismembered… the least you can do is radiate a sense of concern.” I ask you Joe this: how much grieving can a human heart take in before dying out in your body?

I luckily didn’t loose anyone too dear to me in the last car bomb assassination; and I consider myself extremely lucky to have been spared; I never said I erased the names of those that died as well, I grieved for a brief moment, but if I were to grieve in extremes like you propose we do, I think I would have died a couple of years ago due to my heart dissolving.

I know your post comes from a fed-up sense of Lebanon, and I fully agree with you, but if we don’t limit the intake, how can you expect to be able to live a full and healthy life?

 

There is another part I would like to point out in your post: “When a car bomb exploded earlier in August in Roueiss, some of my European friends messaged me asking me if I was okay, as they had read that a “bomb exploded in the center of Beirut”. That night, I sent them a picture of Uruguay street in Downtown Beirut, bustling with people having a drink and not having a care in the world. Roueiss who?”

In this part you’re generalizing the Lebanese, trying to make them follow your own way of thinking, and even though I agree with you, I have to point out something else; if we were to stop our lives every time a bombing attempt takes place (which unfortunately happens way too often in Lebanon), how do you expect Lebanon, as an economic country, to survive? after all someone needs to keep the work going, people need to go out and use whatever fun the city has to offer to keep their minds off depression, bar owners have a business to run, so do parking lot keepers, bankers, and each and every market. Imagine if it were all to shut down for a couple of days everytime a tragedy hits our country; we’ll stay even more stagnate than we already are and kill all hopes for a better future, making young spirits leave their home even more than they already are, and keep our home a dark nightmare.

My view might be a bit extreme as well, but I like to view all options when looking at my home, especially since I’m still planning on staying here, living here, and raising my kids in the same streets I grew up in. So why not?

I love the idea of a Cedar Revolution, unfortunately I believe that the only way we would be able to do that is by removing all forms of political parties, all forms of outside sources (aka Syria, Saudi Arabia, USA, Iran and all those not 100% Lebanese), and of course all religious divisions before being able to find a crowd of Lebanese all carrying the same flag in their hearts.

So if by any chance you manage to find more people like us, send me a hint, I’ll be there with flowers and hugs, ready to grieve, laugh, love, and share.

T.

Happy 2014 Lebanon!

Here’s a funny/interesting post to begin this 2014 new year in Lebanon.

We all partied, most of us probably wont remember what happened the past couple of days; I for one have blank spots, but I’m proud to say I remember 90% of the festivities.

The interesting part of NYE 2013/2014 is listening to the news on the 1st and 2nd January. As most of you already know, people in Lebanon like to express their joy sometimes in firing guns in the air, whether it be a birth, a wedding, or in this case the welcoming of a new year.

So this New Year we heard of 1 person being killed and 4 injured during the “fireworks” lebanese style.

I’m not sure how to react to this, but Hey! what else can I say, I hope next year the lebanese will switch to actual fireworks!

Cheers and Many Blessings for the coming years.

T.