Archive for February, 2014
I’ve seen so many people on Facebook delete all the pictures they have with their exes as soon as they break up. I for one don’t.
Why? It is not because I’m still hung up on them or still need to prove a point. But simply because I learned to live my life like Jessica Blandy the comic as much as I can, in reference to the title of one of her comics “sans regrets ni remords” (No regrets no remorse).
I might strongly believe that the relationship was doomed from the start or has been since we ended up breaking up. But I don’t regret any of them. Because each one of them taught me something different in life, and made me the person I am today. Of course you might regret having taken some choices within a relationship when it first end, but when you wait longer and look back at your life, you notice that these memories make you smile more than fill you with vile remorse.
Usually when I do something spontaneous (which is kinda my way of life most of the time) I only take 5 minutes to decide if I’ll ever regret it, and if I feel like I won’t, then why should I. Whether it be a relationship, or skinny dipping in ramlet el bayda at 4 am (to those who don’t know this area, it’s the kind of beach you don’t want to be found in being a woman at 4am. Where mostly men from the suburbs with their religious views usually go to), or trying this tough motorcross track in the hills.
At the end of the day, I made the choice to go for it.
If I were to regret every decision that I made that ended badly, I’d probably be stuck in a nut house right now, depressed, or currently unavailable since some of my actions could have easily led me to commit suicide from the level of stupidity they reached (which has happened more than once, and I’m sure you all recognize yourselves in that as well).
Yet I am here, and have (more or less) accepted my previous choices in life and accepted that this is who I am and whom I have become because of these choices. Life is a one way highway, as much as you want to sometimes, you will never be able to go back in time and change; it’s fact.
Now the most important lesson I learnt in life is stop doubting yourself, if you double back on each decision you’d be living in a cave of anxiety and depression, and later on regret the “what if”.
As long as you have fulfilled them, what if doesn’t exist anymore, it has become “that was stupid” or “that was awesome”.
In the first case you would probably have learnt an important life lesson (and sometimes you might need to do the same mistake again just to be sure) in the other case you will know that some things, when done right, could be the best things you ever experienced, however scared or doubtful you were about the idea in the first place.
Teenagers and above in this new generation (after the hippy and big boom generation, aka the Generation Y) have been thought to believe that they are special and awesome, and of course that there is no way they might fuck up.
I say this: “fuck up! Go wild every once in a while, or you might just miss the chance you got to discover what you truly love or miss the chance to truly live a full life”.
So to all those that know me; I am quite cracked, but my cracks show how full my life has been. So yes I’ll always show them off.
It has been hard for me to write lately, not from lack of imagination, but more from the feeling of uselessness I have been struggling with on a daily basis since the start of this new year.
This morning I saw this video that a friend had shared on her Facebook, I wasn’t able to continue it through in one seating and had to stop it multiple times to clear my eyes and the ideas running in my memory; it made me cry, and made me smile; but most importantly I was so appalled at the fact that they kept repeating the words “I’m sorry” when they never had to.
The video is an open letter from parents to their children, and I believe everyone needs to watch it.
Being born and growing up within a family, we take for granted all the time our parents have given us, the times we overwhelmed them when they were tired or angry, and still had the patience of taking good care of us, raising us to become the person we are today.
Without my parents I wouldn’t be who I am today, and neither will you, since we all influence each other in one way or another. And we all have to get ready for the day where we will have to pay for this care by caring for our parents in return; for me being Lebanese and having lived closely attached to both my parents and grandparents, I feel and know I will have to care for them when the time comes. After all life is a cycle where you go from being a child, to maturing into a full adult, until once again you turn into this little child that needs to be taken care of.
I owe my parents as much as they have given me, and even more for having taught me how to love and care, when to play and be serious, and how to respect above all, those that came before me.
So when I watched this video of parents excusing their behavior to their children, begging them to accept whom they have become with age and the needs they have, and most of all having to explain each action; I couldn’t help but first, be reminded of these families that send out their parents to elderly homes so they wouldn’t have to take care of their burden, or simply ignore them and let them fade away on their own.
I’ve seen this repeated over the years by families abroad, in books I have read and movies I have watched. When for me, without saying, I know that I will have to, and want to, be the one who cares for my elders, show them love and respect, for after all, they gave me love more than I can ever ask for, and taught me the ways of life: all a person needs is a gentle touch from someone who genuinely loves them to know that they will be OK.
This video also reminded me of my grandmother, teta as some of you have read in my previous post has been in the hospital for a month, after being struck by dementia for the past 5 years, watching her memory fade was one of the toughest things I had to endure, but not as tough as it was on my mother and her siblings.
But there was one easy way for us to make her feel safe, we would stroke her hand and watch her features relax, stroke her hair and see her eyes flutter and close as a newborn child would under the touch of his mother.
This video has reminded me to mourn her loss, and accept the reality of things. It has also reminded me that one day I will have to be as good as my parents if not better when comes my turn to care for them. After all, and at the end of the day, they are the ones who sacrificed so much to provide to me and my siblings all they could.
It doesn’t hurt to remind yourself and those you love that you love them, and that nothing will ever change that. Say I love you, or stroke their hand, the message will always be the same: I will be there for you when you need me, just like you were here when I needed you.
In memory of my teta, a tough woman that my family had to watch fade away into nothingness, leaving behind all the best memories and lessons in life.
I love you and miss you.
Open letter to all single people on Valentine’s Day.
You’re not alone and you are loved.
You got your family that loves you and you love back despite the differences cause you got no other choice. (Hey you need someone in your life that can’t shake you off and you can’t ignore, it’s the fun of life).
And you got your friends, whom you chose to love and who have chosen you to be part of their lives.
And of course you got these stalkers that freak you out most of the time but make you feel a bit special knowing someone out there has got the hots for you.
Unfortunately in Lebanon with the assassination of Rafic Hariri on February 14 2005, valentine has been mostly ignored throughout the country; yet as always, we find a way to deal with it rationally so not to miss any holiday.
So to that I say love shouldn’t be shared on February 14 only, but every day, minute, and second all year round.
So happy human bonds day everyone.
Living in Lebanon my whole life, I’ve more or less gotten used to the whole road blocks system. The fact that they will always surprise you in a corner or get you stuck in eternal traffic.
So wheb you’re trying to get back from work after a 12h shift, feeling tired, and easily annoyed by anything, it will make you act out in the same way we all eventually do from exhaustion. We pester, nag, get angry for no reason, and sometimes even attack verbally or physically. Of course we try to avoid that last one most of the time, so we end up pestering and nagging at everything.
So how do we react when we’re late or tired and get a surprise road block in beirut? We pester!
We pester about Road blocks, which kinda makes sense. But later on when we’re calm we remember that if it weren’t for these road blocks many other suicide bombers and bomb cars would have exploded throughout the years.
But then we think again, and in this case I remember the blog of Gino, where he shows that these police officers, instead of catching the bombers, spend most of their time stopping college kids smoking pot not those killing people.
But then again that reminds you that being under the influence of drugs you might kill someone involuntarily.
And then you’re stuck in this vicious cycle of morals.
So however you try to take it, understand it, or analyse it, you won’t be able to choose sides. After all everything has grey areas.
So how will you be able to decide and know who’s right and who’s wrong, and which one to choose?