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Archive for the ‘out of the blue’ Category

A good day

It has been raining for 3 days now and the snow started stacking up on the mountains in Lebanon. Finally!


March 15 and they were finally able to open the slopes and provide us poor souls with a bit of wintery feel.
Saturday morning, 8am, the slopes are clear and glowing white, though we can still see high rocks peeking through the snow, where the wind blew off the silver and stacked it at the bottom of the hills. It’s a beautiful sunny day, and I’m in skis.


48 rounds and 5 hours later I was sweating, my knees were on fire, and my hands were numb. So I go to sit at the terrasse and have a cold beer while soaking in the sun, everyone’s here; I haven’t seen them since last winter, and the lack of snow made many of them avoid the area to avoid the heartache of finding the slopes brown; everyone is smiling, we are happy.
Later on I head back to the chalet for a well deserved lunch, then get my snowshoes on, meet up with some friends, and go hiking up into the Cedar forest.


The snow lays heavy at our feet and on the branches of the Cedar trees, the silence engulfs us and takes us to different heights.


The sun is strong and the snow is melting now, it’s 5pm and the branches are weeping a steady song, we keep going and observing, taking in all the beauty surrounding us; we don’t speak, and rarely make a sound, we keep our ears and eyes open to watch the trees push off the snow from their branches into a misty fog, making our hearts leap whenever it’s too close, fearing but wanting it to drop over our heads.


The snow gets heavier and the sun starts setting in the distance.
The pink light takes over the silver white and darkness starts creeping around us. Our feet are frozen, our muscles are burning, our head feels light; yet we keep smiling and going on.


We reach the road and civilization, walk back to the chalet and sit down for some warm soup.
Today was a great day, a perfect dream, yet our feet remember it was true.


I’m famous!

The internet: what a magnificent tool to make people feel awesome. I’ve discovered a couple of features online not long ago, the first was WordPress, and the second one, much more recent, is Flickr.

Before adding WordPress to my life I was a simple woman, living in Lebanon, waking up everyday at 7am to be at work at 8, spending my cigarette breaks reading posts from bloggers that were being shared on Facebook, then heading home for dinner and rest or going to meet up with a couple of friends for a drink.

My life was simple, no much expectations, just going about on the daily, travelling the world through my imagination, and of course, as most of us yearn for, trying to make a name for myself in the big world (pretty hard to do don’t you think?).

Then one day I decided I was too bored and started a WordPress account, where I could pour out my ideas, share some moments of lust or disgust, and share the world the way I see it, one day at a time or more.

A couple of weeks later my friend showed me how to share these posts on my Twitter account, and things got more interesting for me, I started getting likes and followers, something I never thought could actually happen to me on such short notice, and I loved it (I more than loved it though, I was jumping up and down while smirking like an idiot whenever I got a notice).

Then I discovered that writing a post each day can be quite tiring for those not used to doing so, I get crazy ideas each minute of my boring day, yet none seem interesting enough to share anymore; so I get writer’s block; then notice that it isn’t the writing itself that’s stopping me, it’s the moments that are too personal that I prefer to keep to myself, it’s the images and basic ideas pushing each other that are keeping me from writing, it’s simply the life I live that doesn’t provide me with much help to write.

My life has been printed and shared online in bits and pieces, some of them are too objective to be noticed, others are way too subjective, too hurtful or embarrassing, hilarious and sometimes comic. But that’s when I understood that I needed to share some of the burden sometimes, having my life plastered online wasn’t the best idea perhaps, but it might have gotten the attention of someone that is going through the same.

Less than a week ago my friend introduced me to Flickr, over the years he’d always ask me to post some of the pictures I take, so I decided to finally do so, trying (and most of the time failing), to limit the amount of posts a day, which has become the new hardest thing I’ve had to do since my writer’s block.


So now I’m all over Google, and it feels great. Growing up and discovering the magic of Google, I used to always search my name, to find hundreds of posts, about women with the same name. Then I earned my place a couple of times in the Lebanese newspapers, and I got bit by the thrill of being famous.

This died out pretty fast I must add, the other NHs were doing so much better than me. So I adopted my nickname, or alias, toutsi19, to see how much I could grow by myself, being an unknown person who’s sharing random stuff with all of you readers; and I noticed that toutsi was so much more interesting than NH (who would’ve thought?).

The internet helped me discern the two people I could be instead of trying to push one in becoming the other, which made my life so much simpler. The anonymous button on the internet made me thrive more, without the fear of being judged by those who know me; simply accepting subjective criticism from objective people.

Maybe one day I’ll share it all to my friends, but for now I’m simply enjoying all the perks of the internet in remaining a faceless actor.

I’m sure you all are doing the same somehow 🙂


I am a nyctophiliac

I believe I am a Nyctophiliac.


I stumbled upon this word a couple of days ago and was surprised at the simplicity of its explanation and how well it fit my perceptions.

I love the night, I love walking at night, living in remote places with no electricity, and sleeping in a pitch black room.

But then I got to thinking, it might not be exactly the night and darkness themselves that I love and enjoy so much, but a couple of things that usually can be found in a dark place.

I enjoy the darkness for it does not harm my eyes, being a bright-eyed woman, my eyes constantly hurt from any direct light, whether it is sun-light, street-lights, or car/tail-lights. Light hurts my eyes, even on cloudy days, the white haze harms me. So I prefer the darkness of the night in an area with no direct light.

I enjoy the peace and quiet that takes place at night; I enjoy not bumping into anyone, and the shadows hiding your features and those around you. The peacefulness of a starry night in the mountains or sitting on your balcony at 4am with no worries makes for a great time to enjoy and reflect, or simply to clear your mind without the stress of work, chores, or any other activity nagging at your mind or pushing you around.

I enjoy the night because it’s a time where you can let go of your beliefs, of your ideals, and of your hopes and enjoy a party, a beer, or whatever helps cloud your mind for a few moments. It’s the time where others won’t be fully aware of your actions and won’t be judgmental. It’s a time to let go of all reason and enjoy the moment while you’re living it. Just seep into darkness and live out your fantasies.

The darkness also shows us the other side of everything, the other side of life, the moon and the stars, the foxes and the owls, the whole world that lives during the hours of humans’ sleep. It’s a whole other world that lives in these dark hours of the day. And I love this world, whether it be in the city, in the village, up the mountains or deep in the sea; it’s a world that lives to live, not to show off or be glamorous, it’s the clothes you wear to get your paper in the morning, not the ones you wear to a fancy dinner, it’s the face with no makeup, with tired streaks, and bulgy eyes. It’s the world of life with no expectations; it’s the extra time that comes with each day.

So am I a Nyctophiliac? I have no idea, but I do love the darkness and the night. I enjoy each second of cold and silence before the busyness of the sun and people, the dreams of birds before their wake up call.

It’s all in the night.


Sans regret ni remords

I’ve seen so many people on Facebook delete all the pictures they have with their exes as soon as they break up. I for one don’t.
Why? It is not because I’m still hung up on them or still need to prove a point. But simply because I learned to live my life like Jessica Blandy the comic as much as I can, in reference to the title of one of her comics “sans regrets ni remords” (No regrets no remorse).


I might strongly believe that the relationship was doomed from the start or has been since we ended up breaking up. But I don’t regret any of them. Because each one of them taught me something different in life, and made me the person I am today. Of course you might regret having taken some choices within a relationship when it first end, but when you wait longer and look back at your life, you notice that these memories make you smile more than fill you with vile remorse.

Usually when I do something spontaneous (which is kinda my way of life most of the time) I only take 5 minutes to decide if I’ll ever regret it, and if I feel like I won’t, then why should I. Whether it be a relationship, or skinny dipping in ramlet el bayda at 4 am (to those who don’t know this area, it’s the kind of beach you don’t want to be found in being a woman at 4am. Where mostly men from the suburbs with their religious views usually go to), or trying this tough motorcross track in the hills.

At the end of the day, I made the choice to go for it.  

If I were to regret every decision that I made that ended badly, I’d probably be stuck in a nut house right now,  depressed, or currently unavailable since some of my actions could have easily led me to commit suicide from the level of stupidity they reached (which has happened more than once, and I’m sure you all recognize yourselves in that as well).
Yet I am here, and have (more or less) accepted my previous choices in life and accepted that this is who I am and whom I have become because of these choices. Life is a one way highway, as much as you want to sometimes, you will never be able to go back in time and change; it’s fact.

Now the most important lesson I learnt in life is stop doubting yourself, if you double back on each decision you’d be living in a cave of anxiety and depression, and later on regret the “what if”.
As long as you have fulfilled them, what if doesn’t exist anymore, it has become “that was stupid” or “that was awesome”.

In the first case you would probably have learnt an important life lesson (and sometimes you might need to do the same mistake again just to be sure) in the other case you will know that some things, when done right, could be the best things you ever experienced, however scared or doubtful you were about the idea in the first place.

Teenagers and above in this new generation (after the hippy and big boom generation, aka the Generation Y) have been thought to believe that they are special and awesome, and of course that there is no way they might fuck up.


I say this: “fuck up! Go wild every once in a while, or you might just miss the chance you got to discover what you truly love or miss the chance to truly live a full life”.

So to all those that know me; I am quite cracked, but my cracks show how full my life has been. So yes I’ll always show them off.



Did you ever wake up and realize that this isn’t the life you expected yourself to be in?
That’s when I notice: shit just got serious!

Where do you go from here?


Smartass or not so smart?

Being born and raised in Lebanon, I learnt that nothing stays safe unless you keep an eye on it or make sure it can’t be stolen, from pens to lighters all the way to bigger objects such as motorbikes and cars.

For the bigger objects, thieves usually carry them out of the place before figuring out how to use them or unlock them. Take for example a motorbike, whether it be a vespa or a heavy Harley, most bikes have a switch to lock the front wheel so the robber wouldn’t be able to roll it away.

Another thing that most people use is a rope padlock to make sure the wheel can’t be rolled down on a street or any other way; so most people, especially those that have those small vespas (which account for more than cars in Beirut) use the padlock on a ring fixed to the ground, or any other object to make sure no one would walk by and carry it away.

So walking around bliss street the other day I had to stop in my footsteps and walk back to make sure I got this picture of an extremely smart Lebanese man’s vespa, which is parked in front of AUH.


Pretty easy to carry away don’t you think?

I might be a bit bias but I’m not exactly sure how this guy’s logic works. And found it too funny not to share.

Have a great weekend!


Tripping numbers

Have you ever noticed how growing up, some of us have this habit of counting cars while on the bus to school, or reading the plate numbers?

Personally I got two favorite numbers, and one special number. Why special? I’m not sure, but I’ve always loved it, and being prone to design classes I always tried using it in many ways, writing it and drawing it differently.

That number is 19, it’s the only number I have trouble writing fast for some reason, and a couple of days ago a friend pointed out to me a fact that I hadn’t noticed in my years trying to master it; it’s the largest prime number found.


Pick a pen and paper and try writing this number in the most beautiful calligraphy way possible, I doubt you’ll get any nice result, whether you’re drawing it by pencil or trying to make a street art out of it, it always seems unfit as if something were missing.

What is your special number?


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