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Posts tagged ‘fear’

Tears of hate

How do you know when you’ve had enough, when the annoying things have overflowed in the cup of your brain and patience?

I’m not sure if I have reached that level but it sure feels like it if not worse sometimes. Getting to my house or leaving my house have become a suffering process I have to go through daily, and most times two to three times a day.

It is not my home in itself that I find insufferable, but the process of getting there; it is not the traffic and the road that annoy me so much, but the process of security check point I have to pass through to get home; and of course it is not the safety check points that are being put all over the country to protect us from car bombers and drug dealers, but the checkpoints that a politician that decided to stick around in the center of Beirut keeps adding and enlarging, while making the roads smaller and tougher to go through.

It currently takes me 15 to 30 minutes to get in or out of my house through a distance of 7 meters (yes yes, you read that right). Imagine me forgetting something at home while heading out, I will need to have my car searched again from top till bottom, inside and outside, with no privacy or intimacy left for my dignity to hang on to.

Now it does make sense in some ways, I agree that having the outside of my car searched with mirrors to check for any harm that someone might have stuck to the bottom of my car. I have no idea who sees me driving in and out of this extremely secured area, so I agree, search the outside of my car with all the mirrors you can, and do a good job when searching please.

But when they search the inside of my trunk, ask me to open my windows in the middle of the pouring rain to see what’s on the seat next to me and in the back seat is annoying; and of course they never miss staring at my legs and breasts in the process, taking their time to take it all in before going to search the trunk, going through all my groceries, destroying packaging and such to make sure ‘you aren’t hiding a bomb or guns in there’; so I got a question for them, do you seriously think I might want to bomb my own home, destroy all my belongings and kill my family? (I hope I don’t look like someone who might, but who in his right mind ever might do so?). And of course searching your car’s engine (why? Most of the time you guys don’t even know how to open it, much less know what should and what shouldn’t be there).

Don’t get me wrong, I love and respect the Lebanese army a lot, but it’s the cops I don’t respect; these sleazy men that whistle at you and stare at point blank without feeling shameful or respecting you, it’s those souls that never had an education, those kids that used to carry guns during the war, those people who learnt that the only way to get something is to take it. I have no respect for such scum in my life (fortunately there are some very few whose parents gave a correct education to).

So here are my questions to this politician who’s been abusing power (like all the others in Lebanon) and is now afraid of repercussions. Why don’t you move up to the mountains and hills like all the others did before you? You have closed in 6 roads, already put two businesses on the street and now, with your growing fear, and multiple road closings, you’re putting another business on the pavement.

Second, they search my car, bags and all my belongings from top to bottom on the first check point, so why add a second one? I doubt my car or any of my belongings will change or anything will be added within 2 meters (makes sense? It does to me).

Third, you’re currently adding extra protection to the entrances; first there were a small gate and a small wall, then it became a larger gate with 3 meter high walls, where I can’t even see my house anymore; a couple of months ago you started digging a huge hole in the ground to add a metal springing road blocker with sharp points that ‘can stop a 3 ton truck driving 70km/h’. I’m not sure what you will need that for, the road up towards it is already paved and full of cement blocks making it close to impossible to drive through (worse than trying for your driving license!).

And now, yesterday to be precise, you started digging holes in front of the first road-block, making it close to impossible for my mum’s car (which is a big land cruiser tank- 1999) from passing through without one of the wheels slipping through the cracks. Turns out you want to now add towers and more gates, closing in 17 homes, 4 office businesses, a mall entrance, and a school entrance.

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In yellow is the ‘secure area’, in pink are all the road blocks, the yellow dot is the politician’s home, in red are the offices, purple is the mall, and green is the school.
And of course all the security cameras pointed at our bedroom windows, bathrooms and salon that makes your life feel like ‘The Truman Show’.

Trying to invite friends or family over for dinner is a huge hassle, either for having to call their “security office” so they would let them in after a 30 minute search, or most of the time not let them in at all saying it’s for our own security; honey if you weren’t here we wouldn’t need to fear anything; I wouldn’t have to fear someone that might stick a bomb to the bottom of my car, I wouldn’t have to fear the people that are fed up with you during black days when they attack and shoot their guns towards you, I wouldn’t have to hold in my pee for half an hour while waiting for you to drool all over my tights and try to understand how the car’s engine works, I wouldn’t have to hate going home or leaving it in the first place, because then I wouldn’t need to go through this terrible process and have to add it to the usual traffic of Beirut.

 

As some of you might have read in my previous posts about my love to this country, and lately have noticed how many things make me hate it as much as I love it; unfortunately it is not just hate that’s been boiling in my heart, but loathing, a feeling stronger than love. You are the ones making me want to actually leave this country at times, and it makes me so sad to actually say it out loud, and even worse write it down.

Sometimes I just want to leave this country and its stupidness, its immature people, its abusive politicians, its drivers, and its brainwashed crowds. I’m getting tired, and yet I keep fighting, still wishfully hoping that one day we Lebanese will take things into our own hands.

Tomorrow there is a rally that will take place for KAFA, I will be there, and hopefully many Lebanese, men and women will join us, let’s just hope that after the rally the government will take into consideration our pleas, and that the people won’t just give up saying: “yeah we went to the rally, we did our job, now we can go home and forget about it”. Let’s hope they will fight for once, and keep nagging our politicians who are supposed to protect us, as a community, as a country, and as individuals.

I put my voice out there. Maybe sometime soon others will stop accepting the oppression.

T.

What is horror?

Roaming through my Facebook newsfeed a couple of days ago, I came across this article that has been going around in Lebanon.
The article was written by a fellow Lebanese, expressing his disgust and the inhumanity of what has been going on in Tripoli.

The article named: “Tripoli: Horror after Horror” click here to readdoes not, however, talk about the issue going on; when I saw this title I thought someone is finally pointing out the micro war taking place in our country. To my surprise it wasn’t; it is simply about the issues of slaying stray dogs all over Tripoli.

Don’t get me wrong I fully agree that it is a crime indeed to slay stray dogs randomly just for fun, but at the same time I think the writer missed the point by quite a margin when talking about horror.

Horror is seeing neighbors shoot at and kill each other for pathetic excuses, horror is suicide bombings in civilian neighborhoods, horror is seeing children slain on the sides of the road from an explosive car, horror is human beings killing other human beings.

This is true horror.

Horror is what we Lebanese see and live with on a daily basis, and for the past two years Syria has been going though the same horror.  

Here is the status of a friend on Facebook that describes part of this horror we have survived through: (S.L)

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Some of the bombings and killings weren’t mentioned or the list would have taken up at least 10 pages; and in each assassination, bombing, and attack hundreds of civilians were killed (not mentioned either).
The catchphrase at the end of the list says: “Vote for the same idiots (donkeys) you idiots then blame the country”; quite an interesting perspective on things, don’t you agree?
A bit off subject, as you all know the Lebanese people are famous for making jokes out of each situation, so here’s an image that’s being sent through Whatsapp groups as well as Facebook; this picture made me laugh at first, agree next, and finally tore me up:

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I’m honestly worrying about the people’s views when it comes to horror, disasters, wars, bombings, killings, and natural tragedies.

Take for example what happened in the Philippines, a natural tragedy, killing hundreds of people, destroying their homes and belongings; people run to help them (including me), we run to their rescue, send money, food, and medical supplies. We pity them = it’s horror.

But put that story in perspective with what’s happening in Syria; it’s a war, there are bombings, killings, thousands of people dying everyday, survivors loosing their homes, having to hunt stray dogs for food, drinking water off the streets in order to survive: so how do we react? We judge, we don’t pity; we say it’s on them, it’s their own fault; we don’t help cause we don’t want them to think that we are okay with what is happening = it’s not horror, it’s shameful.

I see them in a different way, first to be clear on a few things I would help both countries, I would pity both, one for having been subjected to a natural disaster (at least that’s what we call it when nature overrides and destroys humans, but after all it is a simple hurt reaction for what we humans have been subjecting it to – that would be another post by itself), the other for having been subjected to forceful harming ways, inflicted to them by other human beings: this is the true horror (in my point of view).

Imagine yourself walking down a street with your friend when a sniper blasts your friend’s brain on you, or driving down a street, you notice a guy speeding, hear a loud explosion, then notice that if that poor soul hadn’t been in a hurry he would have survived the bomb explosion like you have.

This is inhumane.

It was veteran’s day a couple of weeks ago, when all Americans praised their soldiers; I’m not saying they should be criminalized for killing other humans, after all they enlisted freely and decided to fight; but what about these poor children in Lebanon, Syria, Egypt, these kids that should be in school standing on the roads, getting killed with no hope of fighting back, with no hope of protection, no ammunition or shelter; I doubt they chose war, and doubt they ever would.

It’s a sad note for Lebanon once again, but I’m keeping my hopes up, because if we give up, how can we wish our children a bright future when we let darkness settle on our grounds.

Open your eyes, this is horror.

T.

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