Sneak peek into an estranged world. Cheers!

Posts tagged ‘wrong’

It all ended in a bang

Today I remembered an old friend.
I consider him as a friend though not long ago I found out I didn’t know him as well as I thought I did.

He was there when it all started for me. I have to say I was never a model teenager (but really who is?), I discovered back then that being mad at your parents came with the age. You had to burst out all your energy on something, you had to find ways to control your hormones, and as a woman learn to understand your bursts of emotion. And as most teenagers in my day, we discovered alcohol.

It made us do stupid stuff back in the days, joining up with your gang of friends in the village and trying to act cool and drunk.
And that’s where he always was, caring for us, taking care of us and hiding our dumb outbursts from our parents. When we stole the car for a ride in the hills he would make sure we were always safe; and of course, being as Lebanese of the after war kids, we wanted to learn all about guns: so he taught us how to shoot then and clean them.

That’s where we should have seen it. But we were kids, we just wanted to have fun (and I have to add I still do, you always need the spice in your life to keep you going when times are tough, so you go back to being 16). But then it happened:

My friend killed himself with a gun nearly a year ago. After killing a man in broad daylight in the streets of the village.

We all knew him growing up there, we felt safe around him. We knew we could always count on him.
We were wrong. I don’t blame him as a killer or as a suicidal person. I blame his actions on the weakness of the human heart and the evilness of those that take pride in their being able to control emotions.

The heart is afer all the strongest and the weakest of all organs.

It was all impulse, and ended in him realizing what happened and knowing that this was the end for him. From self pity some may say. I call it reason. Reason beat the heart, and made it realize that he was supposed to be in control.

H.G. I still think of you. But I wanted to remember you. You’ve always been, and will always be, a friend I will feel safe around. My reason tells me the truth. Cheers.

T.

Brain teaser

Living in Lebanon my whole life, I’ve more or less gotten used to the whole road blocks system. The fact that they will always surprise you in a corner or get you stuck in eternal traffic.
So wheb you’re trying to get back from work after a 12h shift, feeling tired, and easily annoyed by anything, it will make you act out in the same way we all eventually do from exhaustion. We pester, nag, get angry for no reason, and sometimes even attack verbally or physically. Of course we try to avoid that last one most of the time, so we end up pestering and nagging at everything.

So how do we react when we’re late or tired and get a surprise road block in beirut? We pester!
We pester about Road blocks, which kinda makes sense. But later on when we’re calm we remember that if it weren’t for these road blocks many other suicide bombers and bomb cars would have exploded throughout the years.
But then we think again, and in this case I remember the blog of Gino, where he shows that these police officers, instead of catching the bombers, spend most of their time stopping college kids smoking pot not those killing people.
But then again that reminds you that being under the influence of drugs you might kill someone involuntarily.
And then you’re stuck in this vicious cycle of morals.
So however you try to take it, understand it, or analyse it, you won’t be able to choose sides. After all everything has grey areas.
So how will you be able to decide and know who’s right and who’s wrong, and which one to choose?

Good luck!
T.

Mixed feelings

Lately I’ve been having mixed feelings as to what I want and what is best; and at the same time what is best for the other person.

Trying to judge a situation objectively, when it comes to something that touches you so deeply, might be the hardest thing you do in your life.

Take for example a friend of mine, who’s having her dog put down to rest:

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B’s dog Shmushy has been with her for many years now, nearly 14, and she is old, getting sick and tired continuously; in this case the most humane thing to do is to let the poor soul get its rest without suffering through the pains of old age. Some might find this practice stressful, others find it natural: it’s a way of proving the humanity of a person and the trust that animal has in that person.

I’m not saying it’s hard to do; on the contrary, it might be a really hard thing, especially considering the fact that by doing that you’re removing the animal’s free will and imposing your own for what you believe is a better alternative.

But here’s a tougher situation, a situation I’ve been put in since the beginning of this new year, that has been making me feel miserable from the ideas going through my mind. I have to say I disgust myself sometimes when those images cross my mind, but when trying to think of them in a logical, humane, and natural way; it suddenly makes sense… then there goes the repetition of the cycle of self disgust once again.

A relative in the hospital, a relative you love, a person you can’t imagine the world without, a person you need in your life. How do you measure your humanity, what is right to do, and what you can’t accept as fact?

Two days ago a series of mixed feelings have been making me feel nauseous to the point of not being able to go into the hospital, instead spending hours sitting downstairs, on the curb, rocking and waiting: who am I to decide what is best?

But think of it this way, the way I rationalized my feelings: my grandmother is currently 83 years old, still young if you ask me but has lived a full life, in the presence of her children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren; her husband passed away nearly 20 years ago; around 4 years ago she started developing dementia, which has taken a toll on our lives and hers, making her feel uneasy whenever she would notice her memory losses; but lately, the only two names she would respond to were mommy and teta (grandma’).

In the case of memory, and recognition, all she has left is a disconnection from reality that has been increasing a lot, where a touch on the hand might send her mixed emotions of relaxation as well as paranoia.

On the other hand she’s currently plugged to an oxygen machine, due to extreme low levels of oxygen in her system, an infected lung that has collapsed, and another so torn by years of smoking that can’t work through by itself to suffice her body with enough oxygen to keep her body at ease.

Now for the past 3 days she’s been in what doctors name a “deep sleep”; it’s basically a coma-like sleep where the person is unresponsive to touch or words, but still has the basic instinct of moving slightly during their sleep, yet not responding to anything. Though a test of pinching her hand made her scream ouch, no other response was recorded.

So I’ve done some research, and to say honestly it scared the hell out of me. But the closest explanation I found to what she might be going through is a state of Hypersomnia (and hopefully not close to the Locked-In Syndrome), to read more about these states here is the link.

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So where does my mixed feelings and dilemma come in? easy. Do I really want her to wake up, and suffer the injuries she will have to live with for the rest of her life, mainly being having to stick to machines for survival, or do I wish her to get her rest, without suffering any longer; which will also mean that I will forever loose her.

I’m sorry for the rambling of ideas, but I couldn’t find any better way to express this state, where being a main actor in the play might influence the ending of the scene. Should I feel guilty of these mixed feelings or is it a natural chain of thought that passes through everyone and anyone? I’m not sure, but I hope it won’t drive me crazy.

T.

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